Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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