I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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