Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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