Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
