Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
