If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
