mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
