I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
