My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
