we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
