you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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