Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
