The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
