FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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