Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
