I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
