She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
