Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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