i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
