Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
