dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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