I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
