I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
