good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
