god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
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