Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
4 words: hood of his car
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
