I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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