I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
