did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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