I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
