All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
