Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
