Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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