i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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