So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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