uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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