I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
