her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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