Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
