You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
There's always time for handjobs
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
