I could make wine with my vomit
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
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