I will die if light touches me.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
