So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
