Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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