Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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