It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
