My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
