you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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