I am spending my child support on dildos
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
