honey bunches of taint.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
