i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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