I'm eating all of the evidence.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
