Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
